The Ancient Heart

I'm sick. Ill at heart. Another June, and another legal case where justice has not been served. Yet another case where we did all we could, heart and soul, and nothing worked.



I feel so hurt. All I want to do is cry. I kept wrestling with myself and my feelings from the past (that You didn't value me enough to let my mother live) last night. I guess You'll have to get me through this again. I partly know You will, but I feel shaky and lost. I don't want to close my feelings off in the way I did as a child, yet I don't want to get into free fall anger like I did over (my friend's) case last June. I feel caught between the two. The first is how I try to overcome the second.



Why are we called to try and bring justice and truth to bear if it doesn't work?

And I hear:



-- Fallen world. –



And I sense You say that this is a taste of how You feel.

Yet? How does that jive with Your sovereignty?

To say it is all in Your hands is not to say it all goes the way You want?



-- Kingdom come. Pray "Your will be done"

on earth... –



Oh. I guess it isn't.



-- No. No amount of "prayer" will "fix" it. –



...in total. only piece by piece. It will take a cataclysmic act of Yours to fix it.



-- Yes. –



but I'm so sick of it!



-- I know.

So am I..

It is repeated again and again the world over, in far worse cases. –



yet You've told me to put down my weapons, repeatedly. I don't understand how this fits.



-- Weapons of hate. –



oh. how do I do that? For hate is what I feel.



please help me. I feel so ugly and stained.

I had been trying so hard not to feel rebellious towards You over this because reacting the way I did the last time was horrible beyond words.



As I started to question why Tom's case came out like this, I was walking down the frozen food section of Safeway.



Suddenly, a song came on and hit me full in the face. It was as if You motioned to me to listen. I froze in my tracks in shock, thinking how could this ever apply to me, especially in the state I was in!



(I'm including the lyrics as best as I can remember them. Somehow, I feel they may also be for you. if not today, then tomorrow perhaps, or another day)



"Good night My angel, now it's time to go to sleep.

Put your questions away for another day

and know that I love you.

I have told you I would never leave you

and I will always be here right by you side

as close as your heart beat

as near as your next breath.

And My hope is that someday you will come to see

the depth of the river of love that flows towards you

out from this ancient heart of Mine."

Manna-shoulds

-- Drop the shoulds. –



but then how do I know how to act?



-- Live close to Me. Ask Me for the day and I will tell you. –



one days worth?



-- Manna. Manna for a day. One day at a time. Each day. For the whole day. Ask Me to supply your need in this. Forget the "should’s". "Edwards" was right, here. All of the "should’s" Christians and "non" level at My people would drown them. Law doesn't work. If it did, I would have left it at that. How simple that would be!

And how complicated.

And how boring. Boring for you. Boring for Me! I like to live close to My people, to dwell with them! I love them. Passionately. With a passion that doesn't quit.

So if life is too complicated for them to really figure out --

so be it!

I have a purpose in this and the purpose is to drive them, pull them, draw them to Myself!

You know this! It's in scripture. All through it. The main theme if you will.

I want a people

and will go to

and have gone to

will continue to go to

any length it takes just to have them!

Even if it takes letting them drives themselves "nuts". --



(aw oh.)



-- Yes that means you, too.

Maybe... especially you. –



(I think I know what that means...)



-- Yes you do, little "no-stop-brain". –



(but Lord. I don't really know how to shut that part down, the figure-figure-figure it out part.)



-- I know. But you do know, really.

Put your mind in My hands. Actually picture it.

And then trust Me!

Trust Me with My people, little silliness! --



I do feel like I'm always on guard.



-- You don't make a very good sentry you know.

You are far too scattered. Fortunately. --



oh. that means You use my scattered-ness to keep me away from some of the things You don't want me near. You use what people see as our "flaws" (not sins), those things they think we "shouldn't" have, to complete Your purposes in our lives.

Christmas 1987 - Healing from the Zombie Zone

Christmas 1987

Dear Family and Friends:

Thank you for your prayers and loving support in this past year. I cannot tell you how much it has meant to us and how your prayers have held us up.

In many ways this has been a year of blessing for us – a year of healing and a year of hope. A drink of water in the parching drought of the desert. The blessings have been those of everyday; sunlight and birds, gray skies and snow, falling leaves and new birth.

This was the first summer in three years that we could enjoy with our children. Thank God, Heidi was well enough. We swam and walked and lounged like lizards in the warm sun. We camped as a family in beautiful Lancaster Co. and found some degree of healing among the Amish, a healing that we do not quite understand; a kind of acceptance perhaps.

How nice it has been to be a family again, no longer fragmented from one another in the zombie's twilight zone of hospital wards and medical crises. And should life turn again in its inexplicable cycles, we have had at least, this time of respite and renewal.

At the last writing, we were anticipating the mid February birth of a nice healthy baby, never really thinking that there would be any serious problem. On January 15, one month early, Galen Christopher Kashtock was born by Cesarean section weighing 5 lb. 14 oz. I stand in awe when I look at this healthy bundle of pure mischief and think of how closely we brushed tragedy.

Apparently, the cord was on top of the baby's head where he pressed. The placenta previa detected during an early sonogram had been forgotten. My water broke, a month early. This posed a risk of infection, so the doc decided to induce labor. Thankfully, this had to be done at the hospital, and thankfully they insisted on strapping me with that bulky fetal monitor that made each contraction feel like someone’s fist was being shoved through my back.

I had not wanted either the hospital in the early stages of labor, or the fetal monitor. Thank God He sometimes gives us the things we do not think we want. Because of the monitor, we found out in the first few contractions that Galen could not tolerate a normal labor. The contractions nearly caused his heart to stop.

I still shudder when I think of the consequences if labor had started at home. Again, thank you for your prayers.

After visiting him in the Neonatal ICU, a fellow grad student and hospital Chaplin said, "This may sound strange, but I believe that God will use this child as a healing for your family."

Little did she know as we hadn't named him yet, that basically the name we were considering was Galen. We did not know it at the time but Galen of the second century is considered the father of medicine and so his name came to mean any doctor, or "one who heals." And in his own delightful babyish way he has.

He's given Heidi someone to love and fuss over and Justin someone to make laugh and protect. He has shifted our focus from Heidi's illness to the joy of new life.

Heidi continues to regain more of her personality and some of her abilities although the confusion remains. We decided to retain Justin in first grade although he was reading with comprehension on nearly the fourth grade level. He is no longer the smallest and youngest child in his class and is much happier in school and more relaxed. The horrible night terrors concerning school have abated.

When we married, we saw ourselves as having 2 or 3 normal children who would grow up, go to college, get married and have children of their own. We never anticipated any major problems. Life isn't always what we expect, is it?

Yet God in His mercy can touch us through life's uncertainties. He reaches down into the ashes of our despair and loves us to Himself.

On the nights that I screamed my rage and hate at Him, He held me until my fury turned to sobs.

When my wings were too burnt by the fires of hell to fly, He bound them and bid me rest in His hands.

And now when I look at Heidi, I see two things: lost potential and potential gained. Heidi has long spoken of becoming a doctor someday. There was a time when she possessed the compassion and intelligence and love for science to have become a good doctor.

The compassion is still there.

And I think how we parents hurt for our children and focus on what has been lost. But perhaps God has a place in this world for Heidi, far different than what we had imagined.

As we watch her faith and closeness to God continue to grow we have to wonder if she will bring a different kind of healing to this world. There is something to be learned from the light of God that shines out from our childrens' eyes.

As I pondered all of this I came across a passage from two psychologists concerning six-year-olds that really grabbed my attention. "Belief in God in most is not yet wavering... prayers are still important, though the child may still expect them to be answered."

And I wonder, perhaps we adults too often let the cares of the world quench the childlike light of faith from our eyes.

Perhaps we need again to remember that Jesus said: "Unless you become as a child, you will be unable to see the kingdom of heaven."

And He came as a child:

"For unto us is born this day ...

To restore us:

"He leads me by the still waters, He restores my soul."

And give us peace:

"And the angel of the Lord came upon them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and they were terrified.

"But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign to you; You will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angels a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest! And on earth, peace, good will toward men.'"

Merry Christmas! And may your blessings for the year be as many as the hosts of heaven.

With love and prayers,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin and Galen

Christmas 1988 - Death and Life

Christmas 1988

Dear Family and Friends:

Here by my window, in our house by the woods, the night begins to come, as all nights must come. The sun lies low upon the horizon. Languorously, she stretches out upon her golden couch of violet hues. Another day drifts gently towards its conclusion.

Yet not all conclusions are as gentle as this day's end.

This is the year that my father died. I cannot begin to express the depths of loneliness this brings. I wish I could tell him this.

I wish he could know. Somehow I do not think that he valued himself enough to know what a gaping hole he had filled in our lives. I am afraid that he did not know how much he would he missed.

All of this shouldn't have surprised me so, for in each life is contained the seed of death, just as in Christmas is the Cross contained with all of its gory suffering and death. Again, within Good Friday is contained the glorious flower of Easter; the knowledge that the sun will rise again. And so comes the knowing that in dying we cross beyond the "Shadow-Lands".

"'There was a real accident' said Aslan softly. ‘Your father and mother and all of you are – as you used to call it, in the Shadow-Lands – dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning.’

... And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. ... now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” (C.S. Lewis: The Last Battle)

And we know that if we die in Him we shall live again. This is the promise of Christmas: God came to dwell among men, to share in our suffering. Out of His great love, He came so that He could know us to our very core and die as a direct result of our cursed condition. And then, in a burst of glory, He would overcome that curse and once again dwell among men. Only this time it would be from within us - if only we should ask.

Still, our lives do continue to go along in all of their complexities. Sometimes they are simple; sometimes they seem hopelessly entangled.

Justin: who can fathom his mind? He has so much to offer but has so many stumbling blocks. He is doing much better this year largely due to a year's growth and to one very stubborn, very dedicated 2nd grade teacher.

Galen has lived up to his name (of one who heals) merely by his babyish unfolding and becoming. He is a little packet of love with two pattering feet seeking new mischief each day's moment.

Heidi is still determined to be a doctor. That looks completely impossible. But I don't know - that stubborn set to her jaw is back. She has overcome a lot this year. With herself and the Lord as a team, who knows?

who knows ...

I thought my Dad's health was possible. But God in His infinite wisdom saw differently. It is hard to argue with omniscience. I know that now my Dad is safe; now he hurts no more. At last he has all the love he needs; and warmth and peace, and blessing.

It is just that I miss him and wish he knew.

I miss my father.

I miss the daughter that used to be.

And yet… in each life there are a thousand such twilights; a thousand dark nights.

But we also know that the morning comes again.

And once more the sun will shine.

But for now the sun lies low upon the horizon. Gold and violet; orange and rose swirl in dance around her. Softly she beckons the oncoming night so that she can give the earth its well needed rest.

And so in the warmth of her fading light, we bid you the joy and peace of this Christmas season, and all the year to come.

With love,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher

Earlier Conversations

Oh God. I hope that You are not an impersonal force.

- I'm not... -

You say, and You speak with such gentleness.

You are so patient. I feel You laugh... and You are soothing. I was thinking how I "hear" You in this wonderful wind out here. Then I started to think of Your largeness, and became afraid...

I cannot believe how wildly the oaks sway!

-See the tensile strength I have built into them? -

At first I thought, well, why write it down? It just seemed conversational, and would it even be of any interest later? Oh! You mean more than the trees, don't You?

You mean us. Me, my beleaguered friend, my family: whoever I'm fussed about.

-You will bend but you will not break.
The storms of life will come
for they must,
but you will not break.
I have said it. -

I don't want to make "stuff" up.

-You won't. -

but You sound so soft. How can it be louder?

-Live close to Me.-

please help me. I've been so distracted lately.

... I hear You in the wind!

It's like being taken and swirled around and enveloped by You!

-Just a little...-

This wind. It takes me back. Something about my childhood. The Heights. Virginia - but it is different from the soughing of the pine trees.

I try to go back. I remember loving the winter wind and somehow feeling held by it. But the thought of it without You seems too empty and pointless to bother.

-I was with you then. -

But I didn't know You, then.

-Yes, you did. In your little child's way. -

And I got a flash of myself as a blonde-haired toddler, bending over something, curious.

-I took great delight in you. -

Because of knowing what You had made?

-And what you would become. -

I'm so afraid of making things up.

-It comes easier because you are more relaxed.
Loosen up. I'll take care of you. -

It's funny. These are more of conversations.

-To each is given differently. -

And as I think back, I remember not wanting to go inside because the sound of the wind that day, filled me and enveloped me. At two and a half - maybe almost three, I could not have said what it was I felt, let alone why... but now I suddenly realize that it was You there, in the wind, that held me. I did not know Your name, then, and I don't think I could have even conceived of You with my mind -- but I knew Your touch. Even then I remember feeling like it was someone and that there was more love in that wind than I had ever known; and I felt more at home there than anywhere I had ever been. Even though I was so young that I remember little from that time, I can still feel how my heart felt like it was being torn out when my mother decided we had to go inside. I vaguely recall that she seemed puzzled by my reaction.

As I left the back porch to step over the thresh-hold, I knew a moment's panic that: oh - it would never be there again, not in that way. Then I felt the sides of my head being "held" and I suddenly knew that it would be.