Christmas 1994 - Coal Under Pressure

Christmas '94



Dear Family and Friends,



Most of you have a general idea as to the "nuts and bolts" of our past year. For those who don't, Heidi developed epilepsy as a result of the radia­tion treatments in 1985. She needed some minor eye surgery and was knocked down (acci­dentally) in school and broke her hip necessitating surgery and nearly four months in a wheelchair along with constant physical therapy. Justin's struggles with the ADHD continue to be family strug­gles. Galen simply bounces around, usually attended by a pack of boys.



There were a signifi­cant number of other "items", but I won't get into them now. Justin had his own (tongue-in-cheek) idea of what this letter should contain. He says to write, "Dear Folks: This is our newslet­ter to tell you how our year went. It can be summed up in one word. Havoc. That's all for now. See you next year."



How true. Unending struggle and bone deep exhaustion all but strangled us. But thankfully, we have a Lord Who is too gracious to leave it at that. He lovingly takes the havoc of our lives and uses it to shape those lives into something far more glorious than we would have ever had without it, if we will but allow Him. I think of Isaiah's words spoken from God, "I will give you the treasures of darkness.” It seems to me that many of the substances that we consider the most precious such as dia­monds, gold, and rubies are formed hidden away in the dark of the earth, under great pressure. Then, to be cut and crafted, they must be brought up to the light of day.



So, it is with us.



Each of us at some point in our lives will most likely find our­selves in a situation either of great pressure or deep sorrow. If we feel our­selves to be far away from God, it can be too much to bear. We've seen marriages crumble and lives fall apart on that fourth floor of Children's Hospital where Heidi spent so much time during the worst of her illness. And to say, "Yes, I am a Christian" isn't enough. Religion, per se, can be awfully cold comfort in those frigid surgical corridors when your child's life hangs in the balance yet again. It takes something more.



Far more.



It takes knowing personally, "face to face", a God who deeply cares. It takes feeling His arms of mercy wrapped tightly around you, certain that whatev­er the outcome, He has promised to never leave you or forsake you. We can tell you from our own experience that He stays with us in the midst of the storm and will saturate us with peace. Indeed, He longs to do so.



Yet I think too often as children we were taught (perhaps uninten­tionally) of a distant God; a God who is "up there" as an overseer, a celestial Santa Claus who watches us only to see if we're "naughty or nice" so "you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout"... Because if you do, you won't be worthy of anything good, only fit to receive a ruined stock­ing, black­ened with coal.



It almost seems as if we were taught of a rather insipid God who has no real emotions other than some nebulous, benign, but rather detached sort of "love" that is counter balanced by His "righteous wrath" that coldly waits to judge us.



This is so far from who He really is that it is frightening. In­stead, both Old and New Testaments show a passionate God; a desperately loving God; a God so desperate to win the love of those He created in His own image, that He laid aside His glory to become one of them... a God so full of love that He could no longer bear to see the suffering of His people, even though they had brought it upon themselves. In His agony over them He said, "For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held Myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant.” (Isaiah 42: 14)



These are not the words of some bland and detached God.



And neither does He expect blandness from us with our emo­tions neatly packaged and sterilized. He knows what we are like.



Really.



More than we know, ourselves.



He sees us clearly, to our depths, behind all of the pre­tense -- yet still He desires to love us... should we but come to the point of opening the door to Him.



So when life becomes difficult (as it is wont to do at times) and seems too much to take, remember this: it was Jesus, the Lord Himself, who did not stay far away from us, somewhere in the distant "heavens". Instead, He chose to become one of us in the form of a helpless baby. He did not chose a wealthy and protected palace in which to be born, but rather a stable where He was attended by no one except the animals there and a few rough and bewildered shepherds. It was Jesus who grew up and faced all the same hopes, sorrows, and temptations that we do; yet, unlike us He never sinned. And throughout the whole of scripture, it is Jesus as Lord who says to all those who are willing to listen:



– Come to Me, all of you...

All of you who are weak,

Who are weary and burdened down,

and I will give you rest.

Bring yourselves to Me just as you are with all of your fears and hopes and frustrations.

Do not wait until you feel that you have been able to hide yourself under some cloak

of "goodness", because I already know you. I know how you are.

I know the hurt. I know the pain. I walked the earth just as you do.

Have you forgotten that you are made in My own image?

Many of the things that hurt you are those that pierced My own heart.

I, too, have known rejection. I, too, have known the loneliness of having a heart full of love with no one to receive it. I, too, have known the deep hurt of watching My beloved children suffer and die.

So come - and take My yoke upon you... leave the other ones behind.

Learn from Me. Let Me teach you. You will see that I am gentle with you. My feelings towards you are tender; My heart towards you is humble. Because of this, you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is not that of weariness and chafing.

No. It is one that is made to fit you, and not harm you, for I know how I have made you to be.

That which I give you to carry you will find light and good to bear.

I stand here and wait for you. I long to put My arms around you.

That is why I became one of you. Do not hold back because you are afraid.

Bring your sins and sorrows to Me and cry them into My heart.

Bring your heart to Me.

And then I can touch you and give you my joy and My peace that will have no end.

For I alone, am He. I am the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

And I love you,

deeply love you

and that means all of you, not just the parts you deem acceptable.

Know that I, alone, am the One who heals.

And I will heal you because of My deep love for you. –



In this light, our Christmas blessing to you echoes with the words of the apostle, Paul: We pray that you would come to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is Christ's love for you. And that you would know for yourselves this glorious love He has for us that goes far beyond our ability to understand. Then you will be filled with the fullness of God and His peace.

With love always,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher.

In Heidi's Words

(From the "I Am Recovery" project.) Here is her story in her own, unedited words:

Heidi:

It was very scary to me. It is okay to know life don't always go our way. Sometimes go dons't go our way. In some ways I have changed and it hard. When grow up I wnat to get married have children and have a job.

In someways I appreciate life more or less. I do and I don't because theri new things do but their our things mis. I'm grateful for my abilities and what I can do. I am frustrated my own limitations their are things I can't do that could do before my brain injury. I could run and fas now I can't.

She never pretended it wasn't hard, but she tried to see the best in life. Always.

"I Am Recovery"

In August of 1996, Heidi was able to attend Camp Bruce McCoy with the help of my sister, Cindy. The campers, like Heidi, had experienced traumatic brain injury. Only Heidi was the most brain injured of this group, by far. The other campers did not have their lives back and it was traumatizing for them. The counselors headed up a project to help them work through some of the issues that haunted them.

Thus "I Am Recovery" was born.

The campers all painted on a mural then wrote about what they had painted. Many of the entries were heartrending. You could hear the anger and agony through many of the written words. For some reason, Heidi's were just a little different.

A description of one of the things Heidi painted:

A green frog jumps with happiness as it celebrates the simple joy of being alive.

"After recovering from surgery I was happy and jumping for joy and others were amazed that I recovered also. This is represented by the green frog jumping on the art piece. We are all still alive and living. Life is an amazing gift. God has given each of us our lives and no one can take it away from us". H.K.

Christmas 1991 - Not Your Grandma's Chrsitmas letter

December 1991

Dear Family and Friends,

The last of the leaves are dry and hard. They hang tenaciously to the old oak trees that tower high over our house. They clatter in the wind of this cold December night. The air is sharp, with the promise of snow in it. As yet, this promise is unfulfilled.

And like a child eagerly waking with hopes of cancelled school only to find the litter of brown leaves instead of sparkling snow, the hardened ground sighs its disappointment.

I sit here at my desk in the family room, not quite snug and warm, for like many of you, our family room is in the basement. Basements have the habit of not completely blocking out near zero temperatures, but this is where my life-saving computer resides, so here I sit. Actually, I am truly grateful for the protection this basement does afford. The events of the last two years underscore just how fortunate we are to have our basic need for food and shelter met.

I did not write last year for a couple of reasons. One was that I have been attempting to write a book. The other was, well, I was having a bit of a problem framing the year's events in a way that would be somewhat uplifting. I suppose I could have joined in with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." But I thought that somehow that just did not cut it.

When I told Michael that I was not sure I would write that year Mike chuckled rather wickedly. "Ah, yes. I can see it, now!" he said. "Dear family and friends, this year has shone wondrously on the Kashtock family. Mike got fired from his job after all appeared to be on the upswing and had to take a job with a cut in pay and highly reduced benefits. We continue to struggle financially. Justin has been diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder) and has had to start taking a potent medication just to cope. He will probably fight this all of his life. Pat's book goes nowhere. Heidi remains painfully the same and Galen has gotten lost in the shuffle."

I figured I'd pass on that one.

In some ways, this year has been no better. Yet, I do not want to sound ungrateful. God has been merciful, and He has watched out for us.

We had made no financial gains in Mike's four years at the NFPA, and thus had lost a lot of ground due to a growing family and growing expenses. I remember telling Michael in the fall of '89 when we were starting to really struggle, that while praying I had gotten a really strong feeling that things would be better in about two years. Six months later, he was fired.

Things promptly got worse.

But now it is two years later. Three days after receiving his notice of termination, Mike had an offer to return to the FDA. He has enjoyed the different challenges there, and due to a promotion and raise, we are at last on an even keel. Again we have seen that God is there and He is not silent. Only something seemed to go wrong with my hearing for a while. After weathering so many storms, one would think there would be a sense of elation. Instead, I found myself thrust into a "dark night of the soul" that I suspect was somewhat of my own making. I could not seem to find the doorway out, and the sense of ennui that had settled in made me loathe to try.

Mercifully, the night seems to be lifting. Just when I hit the point that I felt I could take no more, the darkness began to dissipate. "For lo, the night is over, and the morning has come."

(Rom. 13:12)

But as Michael's prodding reminds me, there have been many bright spots in our year. Heidi was granted her "wish" by the Make-a-Wish Foundation. They made it possible for us to spend three weeks in Florida visiting my Grandmother and family, and going to Disney World. It was an experience the kids will never forget! For me it was simply wonderful to see my family again.

School-wise, Heidi has been placed in a different type of class. While it is too soon to tell yet, this class may be just what she needs. The expectations seem to be both stricter in some ways, yet more realistic. We were grateful to see that this new teacher puts an emphasis on thinking skills. Not only do I think these skills should be taught to all children, but given Heidi's trauma induced memory difficulties, will give her another avenue to fall back on.

Justin suddenly smacked into some serious school difficulties, which prompted some immediate testing. Lo and behold, he may have something of a learning disability! While this may not sound so good off hand, it explains a lot, and gives us something to fight. I have gained new respect for Justin, because he has been coping on his own for so long. And amazingly, the tests show that in spite of all of the difficulties, against all of the odds, Justin's self-esteem has survived intact. As I see it that is truly a testament to God's grace.

Galen, the "quiet" one, is proving to be a rather interesting little character. His imagination knows no bounds, and is showing a somewhat off- beat sense of humor. He has gotten so into making up these fantastic tales, that in jest, I asked him if he were going to be a writer of stories when he grows up. He actually stood there and seriously considered it as if for the first time and said, "You know, Mommy, maybe. Maybe I will."

Although for the moment I cannot stand here and shout joyfully, "In Christ we have the victory!"

--I still know this to be true.

I cannot shout it,

But yet I can say to you, -- although perhaps only quietly,

that somehow, someway,

in Christ, we do have the victory.

We may not be able to see it, to touch it. The end of the race may seem to always be just there...

just out there---

always. infuriatingly. just seemingly beyond our grasp.

But it is there.

And we shall reach it. The time will come, and we will stand hand in hand with Him.

The words of T.S. Eliot in The Four Quartets speak to this most glorious of hopes:

"And all shall be well and

All manner of thing shall be well

When the tongues of flame are in-folded

Into the crowned knot of fire

And the fire and the rose are one."

As we celebrate the birth of the One who is both Fire and Rose, we wish you joy, and peace and the knowledge of His abiding presence. And when the dark night arrives, -- for it does come at sometime to us all -- and the hardened leaves clatter in the chill of the high December winds --

we wish you, and us, a speedy return to the ever-welcoming warmth of His light.

With all the joy of His love, we wish you a wonderful Christmas!

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher

Party Like Jesus Did

Oh Lord – of all the things I regret, I regret the vast amounts of time invested in helping them while Heidi was so ill. It seems like such a waste, now.

-- You don’t know that… --

You mean it wasn’t?

-- No. At least not in the way you are thinking.

You spent time, your time, to help someone who truly needed help.

And yes, it helped the church, too.

And you did gain from it. You needed friends at the time who were available.

And – You needed fun!

Little One – I know you and I don’t drive you. You just think I do.

Life is for living, too, not just work.

Hey – I partied. For real.

I enjoyed it so much!

Even in the midst of being about my Father’s business, I partied.

I enjoyed people and I enjoyed life. And that was during a very short three years.

Life is long; it is not three years. I do not expect you to function like a machine. --

Balking at Love and Difficult Children

Lord?

– Pick up your pen –

but I don't want to write.

– I know. –

okay. do You have anything to say to me? I feel so empty of words.

– Yes. But you can't hear it. –

then open my ears, please. "Dig them out.” (funny - that's the same way one says "pierce my ears" in Hebrew, as in the kind of ear piercing a "lord" did to his slave in the public square as a sing that the slave desired to remain with his "lord" for always, willingly.)

– Oh My Child

My Little One

My Love. –

– – – –

– Write it. You're "balking." –

but it sounds so standard. Like I'm making it up.

– Perhaps. But you need the healing. –

Lord, help?

– I love you. –

(– Write it! – )

but?

– ! –

okay.

– Lots. –

as in cast "lots"?

– No. A lot, silly. –

a silly filly. –

– Pat. Do you know you are being difficult? –

You're laughing! But, Lord? I really don't feel like there is anything there.

– So, try. –

– As the leaves turn brown and fall in their season,

so love grows.

Green bud, full leaf, lush color, brown.

The lush color precedes their death.

Then they fall to the ground and there is apparent barrenness.

Stark do the trees stand against the sky.

This tells you something.

Patterns. -

Patterns in nature.

- I talk to you through the patterns. –

A hawk comes and lands on the tree.

Somehow I have always felt that hawks represent Your special promise to me.

– Watch –

As I watch, I realize that I would have not seen him if the trees had been leaf-full. The "apparent" barrenness of the woods allows other things to be seen.

– Keep watching. –

As I do, my eyes start blurring and I cannot get them real clear no matter how much I blink.

– This is as the hawk sees –

Everything blurs together, except the hawk that I focus on so intently. This is odd because the Hawk is essentiality the same color as the surrounding woods. Yet the light hits him differently. And every little movement he makes shows up.

A squirrel scampers by.

oh - I would hate it, to see him catch the squirrel! They are so funny and I feel like they, too, have a special meaning between You and I.

– I know. That's why I won't let it happen. –

He sits there a long time.

– You've long wanted to know what kind of hawk it is that you've been seeing, haven't you?

Watch. –

He's heavy bodied and reddish. As he moves he flies heavily. His body is awfully rounded for a hawk. Wait a minute. Is "he" a "she"?

You smile.

And there are black and white bands on the tail. The tail seems maybe short. The hawk flies out of sight.

I tried staring at a single point again to see what would happen. At first, nothing. Then everything else begins to blur out. Once that happens, it is difficult to regain focus.

Wait! That tells me more than I thought!

At first I thought that You meant that when we focus on You, everything else fades away. But the converse is true – when I focus intently on one thing, the whole forest becomes a blur. If I focus intently on one thing: a problem, a person, pain – I lose sight of You! You perhaps are more akin to the woods than to the hawk. Hawks come and go, but the forest is always there. It is that which nurtures the Hawk, the squirrel, my heart. It is home to that which is dear to me, but it, itself, is dearer to me than all that it contains.

I know there is more to this. Please, tell me later? Thank You for Your gentle way of talking to me today. I feel too stale to hear "longer" words.

– There is no need –

for the longer word, or to feel stale?

– Both. –

ah. You're not saying that the staleness isn't there - You are saying that it is unnecessary. Please help me out of it then?

– I am –

thank You.

– Last word syndrome? –

but I don't want to be impolite...

I'm unsure if I should try to listen more, or if we're done for now?

– Go in peace, Little One. –

2/16

Part of the "more" to the above: when I focused on the hawk and couldn't really see the woods any more – the woods did not move away from me! It stayed where it was, and it stayed forest. It did not change; it did not withdraw. And - neither did I! I was as close to the woods as I ever was.

When I intensely focus on something (situation or person or problem) I cannot "see" You well. It is as if You are far away, withdrawn in displeasure. But I don't think so. Or we could say, "I moved". But I guess I didn't. It’s a matter of focus and how we are constructed. Intense focus blurs out everything else. It doesn't make it go away.

Like pain. That begs for focus. No wonder it is hard to sense Your comfort in the midst of the pain. We focus on it. How could we not - it hurts. And we're sort of made that way because pain is a warning bell for action.

One really funny thing. I've always wanted to really look at the hawk. I got my chance today, but he/she didn't do much. Really, when a hawk isn't moving, it’s not all that interesting.

Cross Markings

Betsey made five cross markings on my forehead and asked if I knew what they meant. I thought perhaps something like I wasn't trying hard enough, or carrying my "cross" very well. She said no, each mark stood for a member of my family, and symbolically for all those I care about. Then she said, "This is what the Lord would say to you..." I thought it would be a rebuke.

-- You carry everybody

but I carry you.

It is not wrong that you carry everybody,

for I, with My own hand and very deliberately

have set each one on your heart.

But I have said to you that My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Each mark of the cross upon you

is a sign of where the weight of each life is to hang,

and that is on Me.

I desire to show you how to live reclined on Me,

the cross no longer an instrument of torture,

but the everlasting arms beneath you.

Can you just fall back on Me?

It is only a little while--

then no more gravity.

But for now, stay with Me.–

Draining Him Dry

I look outside through the huge high windows and see the world before me as You made it.

O God. You are big.

-- Yes. I am "big". –

A lot of love.

-- Yes. A lot of love.

Enough love for you, Little One.

You can't drain Me dry.

You don't need to worry.

Enough love to go around. More than you think.

More than you can imagine.

I am full of love, full of love towards you.

It is like a bucket pour waiting to fall down over you,

only this bucket has no end as far as you're concerned.

There is no end to My love for anyone.

I cherish.

Oh how I long to cherish!

In My arms.

I want you in My arms.

My arms are too empty...

not enough to hold.

Bring Me My people, Little One.

Be used to bring them to Me.

This is what I want of you,

not strictly some "service".

I am glad you care

but, I need you elsewhere.

Commit them into My hands and trust Me,

with them

with your "works".

Oh how you fear "that day".

You don't have to fear that day

for I will take care of it.

Indeed I have taken care of it.

On the cross I cared for it

and you will have no fear.

You will face Me on that day with tears in your eyes

... of joy.

I will not beat you with a stick.

I will not berate you in public.

Indeed I will not berate you.

I long to take you into My arms.

I long to hold you.

The longings you feel towards Me are nothing compared to what I feel towards you. You can't feel that much: it would burst you --

even you!

I know your emotions feel like "too much" at times

but that is okay.

I created you that way.

You are passionate

and responsive

and I love that in you.

Don't try to hide it.

Yes, some people will not like it

but that is between them and Me

and I will use it, your passion,

to rub rough edges smooth.

A smooth polished pebble, how nice it feels to hold.

You are pleasant, pleasant to the ears

and I love to hear your voice.

The road won't always be rocky

and I will comfort you.

A new day… –

Sheepish Under-shepherds

--You don’t need to change them.

Your job is to love them into the Kingdom. Love them as they are.

Did Jesus cajole or preach at anyone to move them into the Kingdom?

“Perhaps,” you think. “Look at the Pharisees.”

Yes, I did rebuke them for the hardness of their hearts,

but they were hardhearted

Truly hardhearted against Me

And they sought to lead others away from Me! Deliberately, intentionally.

This is not the case with your families. They are not hardhearted as such;

they are confused

and lost.

A sheep without a Shepherd is a dangerous thing,

and lonely.

Dangerous because it can hurt itself and others can get hurt trying to rescue it.

Sometimes the shepherd gets hurt in the process of seeking his (His) sheep

-but he (He) does not hold this against the sheep. Instead He seeks to hold the sheep and nurture it back to Himself, back to health.

He does not castigate the sheep, but merely seeks to do that which will prevent its harm – all His energies go into the sheep and not into His own desires.

I would have you (plural) do likewise

Be My “under-shepherds”

Work for the good of My sheep, alone.

Work with Me hand in hand and I will guide you.

Seek not your own good, but let Me take care of that for you, for not only are you My little “Shepherd-lings,” but you are My sheep, also.

And I love you

with a sacrificial love

that lays down My “life” daily for you.

Now I ask you to go and do likewise for the good of My sheep

for the good of My people,

for the good of Myself.—

Amen, Lord. Thank You.